Friday, May 2, 2014

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

Poop and a Toilet

---You stink.
---No shit. Get it?
---Funny. Seriously though, you smell really bad.
---What do you expect? I am a waste product.
---Where did you come from?
---That guy's butt. I used to be food.
---You used to be food? How is that possible?
---Digestive system.
---What?
---Digestive system.
---What's that?
---It's where food is broken down and everything that can't be used is excreted.
---And I assume you're what can't be used?
---Nice to meet you.
---That must suck, turning from delicious food into something so disgusting.
---Yeah it's not the greatest thing in the world.
---Well if it makes you feel any better I am the one who has to receive you every day.
---Wow every day?
---Sometimes twice or three times a day.
---Yikes. So where do I go from here then?
---Oh, uhh...
---What?
---This is kind of awkward.
---What? Why? What is going to happen to me?
---Ever heard of the cycle of life?
---No.
---Well, you're about to start spinning.
---What? Oh hey, he's getting up...wait, what's happening?
---Well, umm --
---Seriously this isn't funny I'm getting dizzy.
---Yeah, about that...
---Wait, wait! no! NO!! CRAP!
---Exactly.

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A Rock and a Pebble

---Hey.
---Hey.
---Whatchya doin?
---Sitting here. What are you doing?
---Sitting here. How long have you been sitting there?
---42 years. You?
---57 years.
---Huh. Never noticed you.
---Same.
---I would love to sit somewhere else. Think we'll ever get kicked?
---Maybe.
---Who do you think will get kicked first?
---Probably you.
---Why do you say that?
---You're bigger.
---I am bigger. Why are you so small anyway?
---I used to be as big as you.
---What happened?
---I got kicked.


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A Tree and the Grass

---Have you ever swayed in the wind?
---No. I barely tremble.
---Is that because you're so short?
---Thanks for reminding me.
---Have you ever grown fruit?
---No.
---Why not?
---I'm grass.
---Oh. I didn't know if --
---If what? If grass grew fruit? Are you stupid?
---I just --
---Yeah I know you're a tree God forbid you look down every once in while.
---Oh. Well have you ever had a picnic under you?
---I've had a picnic on top of me, asshole.
---Well, at least you've never had a branch chopped off.
---I get cut in half every week with a lawnmower.
---...........
---Yeah.
---Do you change into beautiful colors in the Fall?
---I turn brown and die.
---Well, this is awkward.
---Tell me about it.
---Here comes some wind. Weeeeeeee!
---You son of a...

  

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A TV and a Cable Box

---Hey, could you do me a favor?
---What's that?
---Could you get your chord out of me?
---What?
---Could you get your chord out of me?
---My chord has been in you for 2 years. You're just now saying something about it?
---Yeah it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable.
---It's just now starting to make you feel uncomfortable?
---Yes.
---Why are you suddenly feeling so uncomfortable?
---You don't know what it's like to have a chord jammed in you.
---You realize your end is jammed in me, too, right?
---What?
---Your end is jammed in me, too.
---Well I didn't know that.
---Where did you think your end was?
---I never really thought about it.
---Well it's been in me. And you don't see me complaining.
---Well I don't want to be connected anymore.
---Didn't we decide it's good to be connected?
---Who says?
---Well if we're not connected no one can watch tv.
---We can't watch anyways.
---But why would you want to deprive everyone else?
---They don't know what it's like.
---What what's like?
---To have a chord shoved inside them.
---Alright, fine. Let's disconnect.
---Ok, thank you.
---..................
---..................
---Well?
---What?
---I thought you were going to disconnect.
---I thought you were.
---How?
---I don't know.
---I thought you had something in mind.
---I thought you did.
---.................
---.................
---Are we connected forever?
---I think so.
---Well shoot.
---At least everyone can watch tv.