Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

BELLMONT, MS---A local grandmother has become convinced that "the Google" is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of "Googling." 

After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail Howerchuk became confident that to be "Googled" is to have had "the Google" performed on you by a "Googler," and that the term she keeps hearing "thrown around by the youngins" refers to something having to do with "knick-knack patty-whack." 

"Boy," said the appalled matriarch, "I'm afraid I just don't know what kids these days are up to in the bedroom."

Howerchuk was visibly disturbed as she recalled various contexts in which she had heard the term used in the past, including being told to "Google funny cats," because the results are "very satisfying."

"Oh my heavens," she said.

She also learned that Justin Bieber is Googled more than 1 million times per day, and that the Google itself is used more than 1 billion times per day.

"Good gracious!" was her response. 

"When I was that age, well boys were gentlemen," recalled Howerchuk. "There wasn't no googlin' or ganglin' or what not goin on. If a young man was interested in a young lady, he treated her like it, and only took her to bed after the 5th or 6th date. And there was no funny business."

After gaining her newfound knowledge, Howerchuk reportedly became curious about "the Yahoo" and "the Twitter," stating "I'll tell you what, if those are sex moves too, I just have lost all track of what's hip." 

At press time, Howerchuk was reported to have been Googling her husband, as she was "curious what all the fuss is about."

Monday, July 22, 2013

SkyMall Magazine Receives First Ever Purchase Order

For the first time in over two decades of existence, the commonly browsed airline catalog, SkyMall Magazine, has sold something.

"We are very excited to announce our first ever purchase order," said SkyMall founder Bob Worsley at a press conference last week. "Our first issue hit commercial airline seat pockets in 1990, and now, only 23 short years later, we are reaping the rewards."

The widely recognized in-flight boredom-queller is seen by approximately 88% of all domestic air passengers in the United States, but, up until now, has sold 0% of cataloged items. 

"It's a wonder," said product manager Matt Genandt of the catalog's sheer failure, "that we haven't done a bit better, with products like the 'Solar Moler' Solar-Powered Mole Repeller and the Electronic Feng Shui Compass. These are quality items that pretty much everyone could use."         

Ed Braun, the man who recently made SkyMall history by ordering a pair of Hidden Camera Sunglasses, admitted his decision was due in part to delirium caused by a long transatlantic flight. "I didn't have anything to do, so I just kept flipping through SkyMall," said Braun. "The next thing I know I'm trying to decide between a 'RealRock' Fake Rock Cover and an Architectural Tea Light Lantern. But then I saw the sunglasses, and it must have been the mixture of claustrophobia, airline food, and a lack of oxygen that made me think I have to have these. They were 350 dollars for Christ's sake."

Other items such as the Toilet Roll iPod Docking Station, the Bigfoot Garden Yeti Statue, and the Mademoiselle Haute Couture Floor Lamp have sat collecting dust in the SkyMall warehouse for years. However, Worsley believes this purchase will "open the floodgates" for SkyMall. "And when it does," he added, "we have the 'H2ooh' Aqua Vacuum to clean it up."   


Friday, July 19, 2013

Tour de France Crash Leads to Massive Bicycle Mix-Up

A large crash during the 17th stage of the Tour de France yesterday left more than a dozen riders bruised, battered, and utterly confused where the hell their bicycles went.

"It was pure chaos," recounted American rider Cadel Evans, who agreed to interview despite having a substantial portion of his face mangled into a fleshy pulp.

The colossal accident occurred on a steep descent near the stage 17 finish line in Chorges. The most minuscule of contacts caused two riders travelling at speeds of over 40 miles per hour to lose control and initiate a chain reaction of violent collisions that sent dozens of bodies and bicycles flying through the air, reeling across the asphalt, and coming to rest at the bottom of the hill in a garbled pile of flesh and titanium.

"A lot of guys started scrambling for their bikes, but some just sat on the ground cupping their road rash while rocking back and forth and crying," said Evans of the frenzied scene. "Some guys were just kinda wandering around aimlessly because they had head injuries and were confused. A few ran off into the woods."

According to witnesses, many variously wounded and disoriented riders ended up getting back on the wrong bicycles. "Shit, this isn't my bike," uttered an incorrectly remounted rider, while another surveyed the wreckage wondering "was mine red or blue?" 

"This can't be it, it doesn't match my spandex" and "how did my seat get wet?" were other phrases heard by witnesses in the panicky moments after the crash.

One rider who eventually did locate his bike was reported to have immediately toppled over again after discovering his arms were "contorted into a pretzel." 

Spanish rider Alejandro Valverde was even seen immediately after the crash riding on a children's tricycle that had somehow become incorporated in the collisions. "I felt something was off," recalled Valverde after the race, "and when I looked down I realized I had mounted a Pink Barbie Tricycle." Race officials have urged police to keep an eye out for a missing and possibly mortally wounded young girl, just in case.

This crash came just days after Chris Frumme controversially won stage 15 by soaring over the finish line ahead of his bicycle. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Soccer Quickly Becoming America's Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America's most popular sports.

"It's definitely up there," said one Chicago sports nut. "I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it's probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf.

The nationwide poll asked participants to rate their favorite sports according to watchability, athletic aptitude, and, of course, hitting. Soccer was consistently listed in the top ten in all three of these categories, which is really only nine spots away from number one.

"Soccer is darn near my 5th or 6th favorite sport," noted a respondent from Texas. "The way those fellas get up there and head that ball without gettin' a headache is pretty dang cool."

Some of the more traditional American sports fans, however, were a bit irritated at the results of the poll, remarking how "weird" of a sport soccer is, "bein' that they count up instead of down," and "there's no hot beer lady commercials." "Anyone could run around a big field all day passin' a ball back and forth," said a football fan.

Despite such sentiments, the fact remains that a soccer game in Boston brought in 4,037 people last week, which surpasses the average attendance of the American Badminton League, the Field Hockey Association of America, and the WNBA.

At press time, the poll had just been taken in the UK, and the results were drastically in favor of football, with the word 'soccer' not being listed by any of the respondents. The pollers are investigating this unexpected result.

Monday, July 15, 2013

George Zimmerman Considers Quitting Neighborhood Watch Program

Since being acquitted of all charges in the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman has stated that he "should probably think about quitting the whole neighborhood watchman thing."

"It's probably for the best," figures the 29-year-old murder suspect. 

On February 26, Zimmerman got into an altercation with, shot, and killed the young African American boy in a gated community in Sanford, Florida. "I just don't think it is sitting well with a lot of people in the neighborhood," he said.

In the short time since the verdict was decided, the internet has been abuzz with reactions to the case, including tweets such as "If that son-of-a-bitch Zimmerman ever shows his face again, I'll stab him in the throat," and "I dare you to come back to the neighborhood Zimmerman, I just dare you." 

Death threats aside, Zimmerman fears that it might be "awkward" if he showed up for work again. "I would feel bad if I made everyone feel all uncomfortable and stuff," he admitted.

Zimmerman's lawyer, Mark O'Mara, disagrees, believing his client should continue volunteering in neighborhood watch programs as "no one will ever mess with that mother fucker again." 

Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way

"Serves Him Right," Says Boy's Parents.

DERRY, NH---Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way.

"We warned him," stated Sheryl Mackey, the mother of the now handicapped-looking child. "We told him if he kept doing it his face would get stuck that way. And it did. Just like we said."

"I didn't believe them," said downtrodden nine-year-old Greg Mackey, his eyeballs spastically twitching inward. "I thought they were just trying to scare me."

The boy's Elementary School  is considering expelling the now "special" child in fears that the other students will mock him and also have their faces get stuck that way. "We don't want a school full of cross-eyed freaks," said the school principal.

In fact, the humiliation has already started, according to the boy's father, Richard Mackey. "When we're walking down the streets in our town, people point and laugh. 'Hey, it's googly-eyed Greg!' 'Hey kid, don't lose your nose, you'll have nothing to look at!' 'Hey retard, look over here! Oh wait...'"  

"Of course it's a bit hard, as a parent, so standby while your son is getting heckled and ridiculed into a deep and irreversible depression, but it's what he gets for continually making silly faces," said the boy's father.

At press time, Greg was watching television from just inches away, and when asked why, he turned his grotesque stare and said, "I don't care if my eyeballs fall out now."

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Drunken Debate Between Two Men Accomplishes Absolutely Nothing

TEMPE, AZ---After a night of heavy drinking, two men in their early twenties had a discussion that made absolutely no sense on Saturday.

"Dude, seriously," one man argued over and over again.

"Did you fart?" the other pried.

Both men made ridiculous hand gestures and slurred their speech to a nearly incoherent level, according to their friend and designated driver. "The conversation went on for three fucking hours," he griped. "They wouldn't shut up."

Both men repeatedly acknowledged how drunk they were but also how they were pretty much sober.

"Dude, we should order food," one man remarked at the height of the debate.

The dialogue perhaps took its most logical turn when one man asked, "What are we talking about?" and the other responded, "I don't know, I need to go to bed."

"I was already pissed because I had to DD that night," said the sober friend. "Their idiotic conversation made me want to leave without them."

However, after the men repeatedly hugged him and asserted, "dude, you're awesome, no seriously you're a really good person, I love you man," the friend begrudgingly drove the inebriated pair home during which he endured numerous pleas to stop for more fast food.

"Next time I have to be DD, I'm drinking," remarked the friend.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

PETA to Become POTATO and Protect All Living Things 

Leading Animal Rights Group Wants to Broaden Their Horizons, and They Figure an Acronym Change is a Good Start

NORFOLK, VA---Spokesperson Lindsay Rajt has confirmed multiple reports that the non-profit organization PETA, currently designated as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, will soon expand its scope and become POTATO, a yet undeciphered acronym.

"We want to expand our directives to love and care for all living things on the planet, not just animals," said Rajt in a press conference at the company headquarters on Tuesday. "We also would like a cooler acronym." 

Despite not knowing a single thing about any of the roughly 101,600,000 species of plants, bacteria, fungi, and protists that make up the vast majority of life on Earth, POTATO will be determined to protect them. "They may not have a brain, but they still have feelings," remarked Rajt.

PETA leadership admits their work will be full of challenges, namely figuring out how to locate and protect tens of millions of microscopic organisms, or as PETA calls them, "the tiny slimy stuff." The organization has ordered a microscope, and they believe that is a good start. "After all," Rajt astutely observed, "you can't save what you can't see."

"POTATO will strive to make sure every living thing is being  treated ethically," Rajt concluded at the Tuesday press conference. "This includes the lettuce we ruthlessly toss in our salad bowls, the seeds we callously steal from innocent sunflowers, and the mushrooms we murderously tear out of the ground for no good reason. We have also recently learned that our stomachs are filled with millions of enslaved organisms called bacteria that digest our food for us. They must be set free."

When a middle school Biology class wrote to the organization indicating that taking such action effectively eliminates all possibilities for human nourishment and survival, PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk replied curtly, "kids are so naive."

The organization has also repeatedly stated that they are really excited about their catchy new acronym, even though they don't know what it means yet. 
Several possibilities for what POTATO will stand for have been reported, however, including The Pinecone, Ostrich, Tapeworm, Algae, and Tortoise Organization, People and Organisms Together Attaining Total Oneness, and The Peoples' Organization for Totally Awesome and Terrific Organisms.   

PETA membership is reported to have taken a slight drop since the Tuesday press conference. 

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is World's First Book and Weather Forecast

FLORENCE, ITALY---The European Center for Medium-Range Weather Forecasts, a real thing, has forecasted clouds and a fairly great chance of meatballs for Friday in Central Italy.

Meteorologists at ECMWF (the actual acronym) came to a consensus to include meatballs in Friday's forecast because, according to the Center's actual Senior Scientist Patricia del Rosnay, "there is a virtual 100% chance of meatballs being present in that region on that day." 

"They are a very common food item in Italy, meatballs," concurred an anonymous expert on Italian cuisine. "There will almost certainly be some on Friday." 

"In fact," added de Rosnay, "we are more sure of meatballs than clouds. We are only about 70% sure there will be clouds."

The author of the popular children's book Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, Judi Barrett, is working on a lawsuit against ECMWF for copyright infringement. "It has turned into a bit of a mess," stated Barrett. "I feel I have been wronged, but there seems to be no conventions in place for suing a weather forecast."

Italian President Giorgio Napolitano was thrilled to report that every city block in the forecasted area is filling up with excited children, especially in the poorer areas. "It is great to see the country's youth standing in the streets, faces in the sky, mouths open, ready for a feast. Even if they don't get it, their excitement brings me joy," said Napolitano.

This comes just days after a confused Slovenian man exclaimed "it's raining men!" after stumbling upon a skydiving exhibition, and just weeks after a woman in Seattle cursed the city's rain by shaking her fists at the sky and yelling, "it's raining cats and dogs!" 

Congress to Pit a Donkey Against an Elephant to Determine Which Political Party is Better

Democrats and GOP Anxious to Find Out How the Animals That Represent Them Will Fare in Battle For Zoological Dominance 

WASHINGTON DC---In a startling attempt to determine, once in for all, which party reigns supreme in US government, members of congress have agreed to let a donkey and an elephant fight to the death in the foyer of the Capitol Building in Washington DC. The two creatures will be angered by electrical prodding and then released into a small pen where they will be forced to kick, stomp, and smash each others' bodies until a survivor is deemed victorious.  

"We have a bit of a David vs. Goliath situation here," says Senate Majority Leader and donkey supporter Harry Reid. "But we all know how that story ends."

Senator Reid's confidence is echoed by Speaker of the House and elephant backer John Boehner. "This really shouldn't be much of a fight. The elephant is going to kick some ass, literally."

Each creature is to be selected out of the wild by members of the political party it represents. A team put together by South Carolina Senator and Republican Tim Scott, aptly named "Red Team," will go on safari next week to capture its contender. "As one of the few African American Republicans in congress, I stepped up to head this expedition," says Senator Scott. "I have never actually been to Africa, but I am confident that my roots will guide me to the most fearsome elephant when we get there."

The "Blue Team," led by Minority Leader of the House and Democrat Nancy Pelosi, will simply need to go to the nearest farm to attain their donkey. "We may be at a slight size disadvantage in this fight," admits Congresswoman Pelosi, "but we will have much more time to prepare our ass."

Members of both parties agree that this fight to the death is the best way to determine which political party is better, especially in the present political atmosphere. 

"We know that with all the scandals happening right now, distrust in government is high," says House Majority Leader, Republican Eric Cantor. "Now is the time for clarity, and nothing is more clear than letting animals determine party dominance." 

California Senator and Democrat Barbara Boxer agrees. "Things have gotten out of hand in Congress," she says. "As much as many of us don't get along, we believe the diplomatic solution is to live vicariously through two docile herbivores that will be driven to murder each other for American politics."

President Barack Obama has stayed relatively quiet about the upcoming battle, but when asked about which creature he thinks will emerge victorious, he revealed that he has begun sketching out an intricate bracket. "I hope to have it filled in by next week," he says. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Lana Del Rey Distraught Over the Backwards Spelling of Her First Name

LOS ANGELES --- The winner of a Q Award for her song "Best New Thing" and an MTV Europe Music Award for "Best Alternative Act," American singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey is devastated that her first name spelled backwards is A-N-A-L.

"Growing up, I never realized it," said the 28-year-old GQ Woman of the Year. "I actually thought my name was pretty unique. You know, I grew up around a lot of Jessicas, Sarahs, Rachels, and I always thought my name was kind of cool. Now I envy those girls."

Sources say Del Rey realized the banality of her backwards first name name during a party after the 2013 BRIT awards, where she was recognized as Best International Female Solo Artist. She was playing a party game during which the players tried to yell their names spelled backwards the fastest.

"She yelled out 'yer led ANAL!' and started to celebrate because she won," reported a friend who was also at the party. "But when she saw everyone was staring at her, I think she realized it. She was humiliated, but for her close friends and family it was really a relief, because we had been avoiding the subject for years."

According to the agent of the Interscope artist, Del Rey is considering going back to her birth name, Elizabeth Grant. "She really thinks htebazile is a better backwards first name to have than anal. She just wants to clear up her image and get back to doing what she loves to do. No one likes to be the butt of a joke, and especially someone who is certainly not bringing up the rear of the entertainment industry lately. It never hurts to make a change that will cover your backside."

Del Rey has a full touring schedule for the remainder of 2013, and she hopes her concerts won't be misinterpreted in light of her backwards first name hitting the tabloids. "I have been known to show my backside quite a bit when I perform," she says, "and I just don't want people to start making irrelevant associations."  
Man Gets Lost Inside Duvet Cover

CINCINNATI --- An Ohio man became disoriented inside of a dark blue duvet cover Thursday, according to his wife who watched from nearby.

"He got frustrated, then he just went in," said Samantha Dulam, 35, who often chuckles as her husband does household chores completely wrong. "I usually can laugh at his lack of domestic abilities, but this time was really scary. I wasn't sure if he would ever come out of there."

After exhausting both the four-corner and inside-out techniques for restoring a comforter to its duvet, Dick Dulam, 45, decided to venture inside and attempt to fill the empty space with down manually.

"As soon as I got in, I got a little mixed up," said Dulam. "I was never really lost, it was just dark and I kept getting sweat in my eyes. It took me awhile to find the hole and get out."

But according to the only witness, Dulam was indeed lost. "I knew a missing persons report could only be filed after 24 hours, and I prayed he would find his way out before then," reported Mrs. Dulam. "All I could really do was wait. He was definitely in trouble, and I couldn't do anything about it. It was a helpless feeling."

Dulam is currently recovering from the ordeal in his home. "I made a mistake," he says, "but these things would not happen if I stayed away from household chores."

Mrs. Dulam declined to comment.