Tuesday, July 2, 2013

PETA to Become POTATO and Protect All Living Things 

Leading Animal Rights Group Wants to Broaden Their Horizons, and They Figure an Acronym Change is a Good Start

NORFOLK, VA---Spokesperson Lindsay Rajt has confirmed multiple reports that the non-profit organization PETA, currently designated as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, will soon expand its scope and become POTATO, a yet undeciphered acronym.

"We want to expand our directives to love and care for all living things on the planet, not just animals," said Rajt in a press conference at the company headquarters on Tuesday. "We also would like a cooler acronym." 

Despite not knowing a single thing about any of the roughly 101,600,000 species of plants, bacteria, fungi, and protists that make up the vast majority of life on Earth, POTATO will be determined to protect them. "They may not have a brain, but they still have feelings," remarked Rajt.

PETA leadership admits their work will be full of challenges, namely figuring out how to locate and protect tens of millions of microscopic organisms, or as PETA calls them, "the tiny slimy stuff." The organization has ordered a microscope, and they believe that is a good start. "After all," Rajt astutely observed, "you can't save what you can't see."

"POTATO will strive to make sure every living thing is being  treated ethically," Rajt concluded at the Tuesday press conference. "This includes the lettuce we ruthlessly toss in our salad bowls, the seeds we callously steal from innocent sunflowers, and the mushrooms we murderously tear out of the ground for no good reason. We have also recently learned that our stomachs are filled with millions of enslaved organisms called bacteria that digest our food for us. They must be set free."

When a middle school Biology class wrote to the organization indicating that taking such action effectively eliminates all possibilities for human nourishment and survival, PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk replied curtly, "kids are so naive."

The organization has also repeatedly stated that they are really excited about their catchy new acronym, even though they don't know what it means yet. 
Several possibilities for what POTATO will stand for have been reported, however, including The Pinecone, Ostrich, Tapeworm, Algae, and Tortoise Organization, People and Organisms Together Attaining Total Oneness, and The Peoples' Organization for Totally Awesome and Terrific Organisms.   

PETA membership is reported to have taken a slight drop since the Tuesday press conference.