Monday, August 12, 2013

Ducks Nationwide Furious at Teenage Girls

Ducks in lakes, streams, and public fountains far and wide are expressing disgust at the way they are being portrayed by teenage girls across the country. 

According to members of the duck community, most human females between the ages of 12 and 21 have at some point blatantly disrespected the entire waterfowl family by mushing their lips together and flattening their mouths in a way that hideously resembles the perpetual state of a duck bill.

"It's flat out rude," said a duck floating in a pond outside Omaha. "We can't help the way our bills are shaped. Would they make fun of a penguin's waddle? A baboon's butt?"

Ducks are unsure of the origin of "duck face," but have seen enough evidence to deduce that it runs rampant in groups of teenage girls, who apparently find the need to disfigure themselves in duck-like fashion in the company of other females, in "selfie" photographs, or while flaunting an askew peace sign.

"It's embarrassing," added one duck while covering its bill with its wing. "Is that what we look like?"

Some ducks are in fact becoming so self-conscious and ashamed that they are refusing to leave the water where they can hide their mockery of a mouth part under the surface. "Blurghle glughle glugh, blugh glurghle," stated one insecure drake.

Ducks are baffled that they are being ridiculed by earth's dominant species. "They already control our water sources, chase us off their lawns, and eat us," said a duck while munching on some grass, "and now they are making fun of the way we look? What did we ever do to them?"

"They draw us in with food then they mock us with revolting facial expressions," said a mother duck, watching in disgust as a group of adolescent humans fed her ducklings bread while continuously tormenting them with duck face.

Teenage girls are responding to allegations of what's being called "duckscrimination," maintaining that they only make a face that "kinda looks like a duck's face" because it "makes us look cute," and that they "don't really care what ducks think" because "YOLO."

"How do you respond to that?" inquired an incredulous mallard before flying off into the sunset.

Unconfirmed reports indicate a group of rogue ducks are attempting to retaliate against duck face by employing something called "bitchy resting face," an imitation of the expression of the average teenage human female. However, retaliation of the sort seems inevitable to fail, as ducks are allegedly way too cute to pull off such a look.


  1. Great work! Ducks all over the world would be proud.

    Now, if I follow the logic from the link you added, if someone who suffers from bitchy resting face might actually be a bitch, then someone who suffers from constant 'duck face' might actually be a duck?

    Am I doing this right?

  2. Oh no! I didn't comment anonymously!

    Crap, I'm doing it again right now!