The Precipice

I'm on the precipice. I look up and down the block - nothing, no one. It's a quiet neighborhood at nighttime. Every house is shrouded in darkness except the one in question. Lights emanate from inside. Someone is home, waiting. I look down at the address, then back up at the house. Nothing. I take a step closer, on the sidewalk now. Still no visible numbers. Damn. Could this be wrong? There's a chill in the air, nervous goosebumps arise on my bare arms. My heart is pounding. I am motivated to be quick, efficient, but I lack confidence. I take a couple steps closer. Still, nothing. I have to do this, I have to make a choice: guess or snoop.  Commit and maybe I'm wrong. Investigate and maybe I'm caught. 50/50 or 9-1-1. I recall my clothing; a black shirt, dark jeans, a black hat. I'm carrying a conspicuously shaped bag, perfect for the tools of my trade. I take another step. I'm exposed now. A winding path to front doorstep is covered in crunchy leaves. I am exposed and noisy. Where are the damn numbers?  I proceed even closer, the job must get done. As I reach the point of no return, the front door swings open. This is it. Eternity passes as the resident looks me up and down, evaluating my purpose. I stand frozen, unsure. I can only muster one question: "did you order a pizza?" 

On cannibalism and why, under perfect circumstances, we should consider eating our fellow man

Let us begin by condemning the purposeful harm of another human being in any manner with the intention of eating him afterward. This condemnation, however, has not to do with the cannibalistic act itself, but rather with the way in which it was perpetrated. This is a crucial distinction, between cannibalism and its perpetration, and it must be a caveat to the remainder of my argument which, in some light, suggests the legitimacy of a cannibalistic society.

It seems nonsensical, as humans, to not eat the meat of our fellow man. We are animals, after all, and cannibalism is extensive throughout the animal kingdom. Why should our standard natural evolution change the fact that we are still animals? What animal, besides humans, lets meat of any kind go to waste? Concedingly, we are indeed unique in that we have evolved culture and industry, and therein have we developed moral standards, and that is why it is wrong to kill a man with, or without, the intention of eating him. As a result of all this, it is critical to describe the following rule: The death of the cannibalized must be an unrelated precursor to, not a function of, the cannibalistic act. The demonization of cannibalism in modern society, almost universally, falls upon this function of cannibalism, the desire of one human to eat another. Such desire, at least in documented cases of cannibalism, leads to obsession, premeditation, and murder, none of which can be considered legitimate means through which to eat a man.

But then why, as a society, do we still so intimately tie the act of gaining nourishment from human flesh with immorality? Why is nutrition gained from a man any different than that from a cow, pig, or chicken? What comes of this man, who has died of natural or uncontrollable causes? Do we simply bury him in the ground in reverence to some derived, strictly human, means of "paying respect?" What respect do we owe a nonexistent soul, besides to make sure his body is profitably disposed of? Do we leave his body to be slowly devoured by maggots? Is this the "respect" we aim for? Perhaps, the best form of reverence we can give to a deceased human is to use his body for the benefit of his own species.

Consider the amount of consumable meat that one human offers. An average man weighs 136 pounds. Of this, excluding indigestibles  such as bones and tendons, about 109 pounds of this man is edible material. If prepared and stored correctly, this amount of meat can feed a living, modern day human for a year, or a family of four for three months. Now consider accumulating all the meat of the deceased in a particular community over even one month. This amount of meat could nutritionally supplement, if not majorly sustain, said community for years. In additional benefit, supplementing our diet with human meat would curtail harmful agricultural and livestock practices, all of which have garnered attention and disdain from the public, all at once distracting us from naturally deceasing human meat that is going to waste on a daily, even minute-by-minute, basis.

Throughout history, how many millions have died from famine? How many have starved to death, all the while surrounded by the flesh of those who have already perished of the same malady? Is this not irrational? Do we not have to, at some juncture, stand up to an illogical social dogma that has cast a shadow over cannibalism and designated it as a depraved act when, in fact, it is the perpetration of cannibalism that should, in fact, be scrutinized? Can cannibalism, on its own, not easily stand as an act of conservation, of nutrition, of acknowledging deceased human flesh for who it can help, not what it represents? Do we care more for a social construct of the dead, or for its potential benefit to the living? It is time we reconsider cannibalism as a potentially profitable way of utilizing human meat.            

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other: Two clocks

--What time is it?
--Seriously?
--What?
--Do you realize how complicated of a question that is?
--How?
--You're a clock.
--And?
--And I'm a clock.
--Ok...
--The time is asking the time what time it is.
--So?
--You really don't get it do you?
--No.
--You asked what time it is, right?
--Brilliant.
--Ok, I'll ask you: what time is it according to who?
--Whom.
--What?
--According to whom, not according to who.
--Ok, what time is it according to whom?
--I don't get it.
--That's because it's relative.
--Relative...
--Yes, relative. I say 3:00, so according to me relative to you, it's 3:00. But you say 2:55, so according to you relative to me, it's 2:55.
--So who's right?
--Neither. And both.
--Oh, now I get it.
--We are both right and wrong simultaneously.
--So...I'm early then? Or are you late?
--According to who?
--Whom.
--What?
--You really need to work on your grammar.
--Ok fine, according to whom?
--Let me guess, I'm early and you're late simultaneously?
--Nope.
--Wonderful.
--If you're early and I'm late simultaneously that means there is a time somewhere in the middle that is neither. And that's clearly not true.
--Right...
--So that means that you're early or I'm late, not and.
--Ok, so which is it?
--Both and neither.
--I hate you.

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

Poop and a Toilet

---You stink.
---No shit. Get it?
---Funny. Seriously though, you smell really bad.
---What do you expect? I am a waste product.
---Where did you come from?
---That guy's butt. I used to be food.
---You used to be food? How is that possible?
---Digestive system.
---What?
---Digestive system.
---What's that?
---It's where food is broken down and everything that can't be used is excreted.
---And I assume you're what can't be used?
---Nice to meet you.
---That must suck, turning from delicious food into something so disgusting.
---Yeah it's not the greatest thing in the world.
---Well if it makes you feel any better I am the one who has to receive you every day.
---Wow every day?
---Sometimes twice or three times a day.
---Yikes. So where do I go from here then?
---Oh, uhh...
---What?
---This is kind of awkward.
---What? Why? What is going to happen to me?
---Ever heard of the cycle of life?
---No.
---Well, you're about to start spinning.
---What? Oh hey, he's getting up...wait, what's happening?
---Well, umm --
---Seriously this isn't funny I'm getting dizzy.
---Yeah, about that...
---Wait, wait! no! NO!! CRAP!
---Exactly.

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A Rock and a Pebble

---Hey.
---Hey.
---Whatchya doin?
---Sitting here. What are you doing?
---Sitting here. How long have you been sitting there?
---42 years. You?
---57 years.
---Huh. Never noticed you.
---Same.
---I would love to sit somewhere else. Think we'll ever get kicked?
---Maybe.
---Who do you think will get kicked first?
---Probably you.
---Why do you say that?
---You're bigger.
---I am bigger. Why are you so small anyway?
---I used to be as big as you.
---What happened?
---I got kicked.

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A Tree and the Grass

---Have you ever swayed in the wind?
---No. I barely tremble.
---Is that because you're so short?
---Thanks for reminding me.
---Have you ever grown fruit?
---No.
---Why not?
---I'm grass.
---Oh. I didn't know if --
---If what? If grass grew fruit? Are you stupid?
---I just --
---Yeah I know you're a tree God forbid you look down every once in while.
---Oh. Well have you ever had a picnic under you?
---I've had a picnic on top of me, asshole.
---Well, at least you've never had a branch chopped off.
---I get cut in half every week with a lawnmower.
---...........
---Yeah.
---Do you change into beautiful colors in the Fall?
---I turn brown and die.
---Well, this is awkward.
---Tell me about it.
---Here comes some wind. Weeeeeeee!
---You son of a...

  

Inanimate Objects Talking to Each Other

A TV and a Cable Box

---Hey, could you do me a favor?
---What's that?
---Could you get your chord out of me?

---What?

---Could you get your chord out of me?

---My chord has been in you for 2 years. You're just now saying something about it?

---Yeah it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

---It's just now starting to make you feel uncomfortable?

---Yes.

---Why are you suddenly feeling so uncomfortable?

---You don't know what it's like to have a chord jammed in you.

---You realize your end is jammed in me, too, right?

---What?

---Your end is jammed in me, too.

---Well I didn't know that.

---Where did you think your end was?

---I never really thought about it.

---Well it's been in me. And you don't see me complaining.

---Well I don't want to be connected anymore.

---Didn't we decide it's good to be connected?

---Who says?

---Well if we're not connected no one can watch tv.

---We can't watch anyways.

---But why would you want to deprive everyone else?

---They don't know what it's like.

---What what's like?

---To have a chord shoved inside them.

---Alright, fine. Let's disconnect.

---Ok, thank you.

---..................

---..................

---Well?

---What?

---I thought you were going to disconnect.
---I thought you were.

---How?

---I don't know.

---I thought you had something in mind.

---I thought you did.

---.................

---.................

---Are we connected forever?

---I think so.

---Well shoot.

---At least everyone can watch tv.